Rachelicious

 

I'm tired of my endless mood oscillation.
Can't I just be stable?

I want to be happy and positive all the time!
Is that too much to ask for?

Okay.
I will have a try, for the one thousand and first time.

Remember what you're writing here right now.
Be happy.
And most importantly,
be mature.

My mind is in a mess. I feel like saying so many things. But I also sense the possibility of endding up with silence, rather than being able to convey every precious feeling in my heart. Writing in English is most difficult when it comes to describing human feelings -- they're fleeting, complicated, subtle and fragile, even hard to grasp using Chinese.

This was a beautiful afternoon. I read a good book, had a good conversation with my classmates, met a good scholar, heard a good talk, and had a good dinner with our teacher. Everything was lovely. But there seemed to be something sad or pathetic in all this.

I'm just feeling that things i once was so close to are drifting away. They smiled at me, told me they would still care about me. And then faded away, finally out of my reach. 

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'll recover after one night's sleep.

Rachel is a fighter, remember?

Firstly, damn the crappy courses. They took up my time by requiring me to do pointless things. Damn those stupid presentations and homework.

Secondly, I've no idea how to deal with the strong virus in my big computer. I've also no idea how to solve the internet-connection problem with my small computer. These problems brought me inconvenience, consumed my time and forced me to spend money. !!!

Thirdly, narcissists are everywhere. They think they're so charming that everyone should fall in love with them. I don't give it a damn.

Enough complaints. I'm just writing down them to practice my english. I'm not very unhappy. No time or energy to feel unhappy.

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Something happy did happen. I was revisiting all the sweet memories over the past year. It's amazing. over 200 letters, christmas gifts, birthday wishes, books, ideas, thoughts, sorrow, happiness...

A friend once asked me whether I knew the difference between being lonely and being empty. I said no. Then he told me, when you were surrounded by many people but somehow still failed to find life happy or meaningful, that's empty. I never felt empty. Life is very meaningful to me no matter what happens. But I did feel a little bit lonely today.

Loneliness is something that can be hard to deal with, especially for someone as sensitive and romantic as me. I used to seek comforts by means of sending short messages to my friends, talking about things which made little sense, or doing something pointless. I wasted lots of time, while the things I did were actually unable to make me feel less lonely.

So, this time I sought no help. I knew it's no big deal. And it's time to learn to stand strong and be mature. Next time you feel lonely, try to calm down. If you're tired, take some rest. If you're not, do something meaningful.




I know life is short, at least always shorter than we wish it to be. So I always want to make every minute of my life count. But I did that in the wrong way. That's the best idea I got today. Would like to share it with you.

To cherish time doesn't mean to list all the tasks assigned by others and then try to accompish them like doing something miserable. Once all of them are done, the feeling of emptiness may permeate through your heart. That's alienation. Unfortunately, that's exactly what I did over the past several years.

To cherish time, now I got to understand, means to list all the tasks assigned by yourself, which can make your life happy and meaningful in the long run. With them on your mind, you'll never have the chance to feel lonely or empty, 'cos you always have things to do -- things that can make your life interesting and colorful.

I'm thinking about: learning French well, learning to draw, learning to sing the songs I like, learning guitar, learning more about literature, ... They have nothing to do with any short-run practical purposes, but that doesn't make them a waste of time.

One of my friends said he was quite "existentialist". I guess you've all heard about this philosophical term. But do you really know what it exactly means? I don't. So I asked him to explain. He told me it meant "an appreciation of the meaninglessness of life and an effort to try to inject meaning through some type of commitment" And he chose to be committed to career and family. This way of dealing with life makes perfect sense to me. I guess my commitment is to make my life as colorful as possible.

Whose opinions really matter when it comes to the question of what constitute a meaningful life?
-- Yours.

I should force myself to write in Enlgish. Or I've no idea how I'm going to be able to write excellent application materials. Actually, without practicing for quite a long time, I feel my English skills regressing. 

Yes there're many things I don't know how to express in English. But I can consult the dictionary. And I'm aware that sometimes I write awkward English. But that's how I learn and make progresses.

Anyway, you can laugh at me. But I believe the old saying that practice makes perfect.

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I suddenly feel like fighting again. It's time to shelve my romantic ideas. I just realized there's still so much work waiting to be accomplished.

For the sake of my dream... Be tough.

今天突然想起斯特林堡的《朱丽小姐》。时隔几月，似乎对它的理解又深刻了些。性在这部剧里扮演着很重要的角色，只是当时并不理解，还肤浅地以为，冲突的关键在于男人的喜新厌旧。现在也不能说就理解得多好了，只是，慢慢懂得了两性之间吸引力之强大，和极具摧毁力。


今天在脑子里构建了一个场景，基于我对耶鲁大学不靠谱的联想。阁楼，旧旧的，经历过长久年月的木窗子，潮潮的；下雨天，有些阴暗潮湿；窗外一树新叶，翠绿翠绿的，挂着雨滴；看不到书，但空气里有某种深含的底蕴。我怀疑是否能在现实中找到这样的地方，若找不到，真是有些遗憾，因为它是如此浪漫。那么，以后有机会去学画画吧。能把自己的所想精确展现，会很舒心。

        The diesel engine clatters to life. My friend Mike is giving me a quick lessen in how to operate his father's bulldozer. Accompanied by a cacophony of metal on metal, I maneuver pedals and levers. I lower the blade and begin knocking down trees. I'm helping build a logging road near Prospect, Oregon. Despite a lack of finesse, I'm making progress and having fun. I'm on top of the world.
        When I read Robert Draper's "Australia's Dry Run" and look at Amy Toensing's photographs in this month's issues, I'm reminded of that day three decades ago when I was young and didn't understand the potential consequences of bulldozers.
        A decade ago the farmers of the Murray-Darling Basin were on top of the world. Their machinery had cut 15 billion trees; leveld fields; planted crops; built canals, weirs, and locks to divert water; and turned the basin into Australia's breadbasket.
        Now the water is gone. A seven-year drought is taking its toll, and battles rage over the dwindling supply. "The last three years we've had essentially no water." That's what's killing us," says Malcolm Adlington, a dairy farmer who has had to sell all his heifers (six years ago he had nearly 500). There is no shortage of claimants for the water-from framers to consevationists to the city of Adelaide.
        The bulldozers that reshaped the basin are gone. But questions remain. What caused the drought? Climate change? Is deforestation breaking the natural cycles of rainfall? Slowly, the questions are being answered, with solutions to follow. In the meantime, the world watches and, hopefully, learns.

Sitting in the library, with beautiful melody reverberating around my ears, I was imagining how nice it would be if I could just read an English novel freely right here right now, instead of worring about many other things. But after moments' thinking, I came to realize that things were always better in imagination. But imagination is only imagination. When it comes true, you won't be satisfied, but dream of something else, something that's more attractive in your imagination, something you discarded easily in the past.

So, maybe things in your imagination are not so good. Maybe what you're enjoying right now can be something you crave for when you don't have them. Yes, only after you lose something, can you come to appreciate its value. 

今天是惜时而高效的一天，希望可以保持天天这样。需要极大的毅力。Rachel你加油。

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作为放松和给自己的奖励，看了一集Grey's Anatomy，其间竟哭了四次。有时候只是很单纯地投入到剧情里而已。

老太太去世时，她的儿女默默流泪
然后我哭了；
Karev流着眼泪跟昏迷中的izzy说“I'm here. I'm right here”，
我又哭了；
Owen和Christina最后一次have sex的时候，那真是很缠绵很绝望，
于是我哭了；
Dereck以一种特别的方式跟Meredith求婚，M眼眶湿润的时候，
我继续哭。

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视线离开电脑屏幕，图书馆的窗外，还是那个我熟悉而又陌生的世界。现实世界总不会像电视剧，那般朦胧，那般童话。春天到了，花开了，气温有些冷，于是人们还穿着大衣，忙忙碌碌，忙忙碌碌，生活呵。咫尺的人们，生活却离我千里之远。想一想，我所拥有的，还是那些我一直以来都惦记的。

在别人的故事里流了几滴莫名的眼泪，生活还要前进。美丽还在，梦想还在，斗志还在；困惑也在，烦恼也在，失落也在。

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有人说，黄昏的时候，心会变得比较柔软。是这样吧。

最讨厌被时间追着跑了。向来只有我跑在时间前面，没有我被deadlines逼得欲哭无泪的。可最近似乎总对时间控制不当，每天都有邮件短信在催，说你这个这个做好了没有，那个那个搞定了吗……

我痛恨自己的无能。

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关于美甲，我已经酝酿很久了。深知身体的细节很重要，只一张脸长得不错，是没有用的。就从指甲开始实现细节的修饰吧。今天终于走进了美甲店，修剪了一下，还上了个深紫色的指甲油。咳，这其实是我20年来第一次那么认真地对待自己的指甲。

反正，我不拒绝一切可能让我看起来美丽的东西。内外兼修，那真是一项长期的事业啊。

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同去YALE的童鞋们，已经迫不及待地在分享各种tips了。于是我也跟着激动了一下子。这是不对的，做人应该要清醒理智一点……

从前天开始，我就一直在想象party的时候要穿什么了。听说中国姑娘去了国外，都喜欢在趴踢上穿旗袍。自认身段不够，怕穿起旗袍来像服务生，所以，我们还是老老实实去挑一件小礼服吧。

反正外国人都挺奔放了，那咱也就不用假装含蓄了，是吧。想象当中，这件礼服应该是黑色的或者宝蓝色的，设计不繁复，丝绸质地，会泛光。大露背，腰要收得很好。长度也许不能超过膝盖。搭配的鞋子要很美，要有很高的跟，颜色还没有想好……

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如果选择绽放，就一定要绽放得彻底。

I don't like my Chinese essays. My preference to English is still strong. So, let me go on with my "lonely English blog".

I wasted lots of time today, which makes me very uncomfortable. With the day approaching its end, I was again overwhelmed by the feeling of uncertainty. Kind of depressing. I felt like talking to someone, but then immediately realized that it wouldn't help much, whether the person I wanna have a conversation with is stronger than me or not. Nobody could guarantee my future.

It's tempting to want to count on someone else to smooth your way ahead, to solve all the problems for you. But however lucky your may be, once in a while you still have to be responsible for yourself. There's situation where there's nobody you can count on but yourself.

I guess I'm now in such a situation. The feeling of uncertainty is so strong.

最近的生活乱了节拍，我忽然就找不到自己的位置了。这种感觉真不爽。于是下午翘掉了两节无聊的课，到“曦园”小坐思考，为接下来的日子定个计划。

午后的阳光挺好，就是风有点大。小桥流水，有风拂过水面。池塘边杨柳依依，花花草草也都笑得蛮可爱。园子里有晒太阳的人，拍照的人，看书的人，心情似乎都不错。近来天气一直不好，大家对阳光早就“相思成灾”了吧。

这样的环境心情，适合听Dan Gibsen，音乐趟出来的那一秒，世界就宁静安详了。拿出我的小本子，开始写计划，将思考过程一并记下，详详细细，完完整整。——丢三落四的人，只好勤快一点。如果没有个本子天天揣在我兜里，这日子大概是没法儿过了吧。

过去我也是个常常光顾“燕园”“曦园”的人，还有散落在校园各处的大草坪。上上个五一长假，还在曦园以某种疯狂的速度读完了<Jane Eyre>。那个时候，我会很细心地搜集各种美好的感觉，耐心地用文字记录阳光，微风，植物，甚至还有空气。这些记忆，不知怎么的就成了过去的事情。Rachel到底不是过去的那个Rachel了。

现在很少再体会单纯美好的感觉。一来，自己成长了，知道自己对自己的未来有责任，没有那么多时间再去晒太阳吹风写文字了；二来，慢慢地，深感这世界上不存在所谓单纯的美好，一切的一切，都烙有经济的物质的痕迹，我之所以偶尔还能有心去欣赏这些美好，是因为生活中的烦恼还在可控制的范围之内，而有一些人，也许就没有自己那么幸运了。想过这些以后，我欣赏风景时的心态，就再没真正地轻松过。

Anyway，计划写好了，密密麻麻四小页。对当下的状况总算有了比较清醒的认识，也勉强知道接下来该干什么了。好吧，让我们再尝试一次，眉头不要紧锁，要高兴。要好好爱自己，要认真生活和奋斗。

大家齐刷刷地指责我，说你你你为什么不用中文写日志呀。其实，反正大家都不爱留言，不管中文英文，看上去不都是一样孤独的嘛。

最近想法挺多的，看书看论文上课，都会不时地蹦出一些思考和感悟，匆匆忙忙，东一块西一块记在了课本和笔记本上。总想着，晚上要好好整理一下思路，来博客上写点正经的思考。但每次到了晚上，就觉得没有激情写了，写不动了。等我哪天有心情了再说呗。

其实最近要处理的事情并不算多：出国事宜，课程任务，看一些论文，还有课题上的思考。不算多吧。但对于我这样不擅长“分身术”的人来说，已经够可以的了。两三天来都不知道在干嘛，心情倒是不错，就是做事情没有什么实质性进展。每天磨磨蹭蹭，不知道怎么地就到了凌晨。唉，我真不好。明天，明天起我一定珍惜时间好好奋斗。

有人说我心理成熟，和同龄人不太一样。虽然我向来很喜欢听这种评价，不过每次反思，都觉得自己还是孩子气的时候居多吧。嗯。也不知道自己特别在哪里，我有的很多想法大家都有，我有的很多爱好大家也都有，我喜欢做的一些事大家也都会做。于是，不知道自己凭什么和别人不同。呵呵，每个人都是特别的吧。只是一部分人的特别，只有特定的另一部分人才会欣赏。

唉，12点前睡觉的计划又以失败告终。不管怎样，我睡觉去了。明天阿，要早起，要奋斗。

 

Just several days without updating, already seems like a long long time to me...

I'm not good at handling many things at the time. But sometimes I have to, for the sake of survial and "an elegant fight". Great pressure as well as great excitement easily makes me lose the sense of time.

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I've attained the opportunity to go to Yale during this summer vacation. The interview was harder than I had imagined. I thought I screwed up. When I have to speak english in the present of many people, my speech becomes highly unorganized. I didn't know what the hell I was talking about during the interview. To my surprise, I got it. Exciting! But given my crappy performance and some other weakness, there's no reason to feel too good about myself (though I admit that sometimes I do...) Anyway, it's Yale! Hmm, however, there were already two friends who told me not to expect too much the sociology department there...

The preparations are troublesome: passport, visa, financial certification, payment, tickets......sometimes I do imagine there was someone there who would like to do all the errands for me. Ha, pointless illusion! 

This would be my first time to go abroad. Not sure what is waiting for me, what will happen, what king of situations I will get into...? Uncertainty.

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It's hard for me trust people now, especially men. I don't know why trusting someone becomes so difficult for me?! When he said he really cared about me (and that's why he had to set a boundry for our friendship), I was touched. But later, I began to ask myself:"Why should he care about me? Is he serious or just fooling with me?..." There're friends who told me it's easy to deceive me. They don't believe that the man can treat me so well and so altruistically.

Trust him? Not trust him? Thinking about this kind of question is really tiresome. Should I depend on my friends' advice or should I just follow my intuition? Maybe intuition is better. Who can save it, the age of innocence! And you, don't hurt me, 'cause I've chosen to be innocent.

I was overwhelmed by too many doubts. I hate it! How about shouting loudly to yourself: NO DOUBTS!!!

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Toefl was also done. No idea what the result will be. Just wait.

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The fight continues on.

Great researches,
Great letters,
Good test scores,
Good grades,
An excellent statement
...
No one can be left behind!

Come on Rachel. Fight! -- both intensely and elegantly.

Today I suddenly realized that I had never fighted hard enough for my dream, for the things I wanted. I've been finding excuses for myself. But now, I gradually understand that a weak personality is never a good excuse. I should be strong, just for the sake of myself.

Life is to be enjoyed, that's for true. But it doesn't necessarily mean that I can't make some sacrifice and fight hard. Some friends may try to convince me that life is not supposed to be full of so much tension. But I need to ask myself what I really want.

If possible, I want a sexy life with both elegant fights and beautiful pleasures.